and all of a sudden, gaming does not appeal to me at all. having a sister isn't like having any sibling at all. friends don't seem to be like friends anymore. -_-" whatever i'm speaking must be crap. because i don't know what i mean anymore =x.

i think i may be suffering from ESIS [exams stress insanity syndrome]. =x. and before i start to hate everything around me again [it's a cycle..] i shall post with a clear mind. the english paper wasn't as hard as expected and the hall isn't bloody cold this time round =D. i wrote on the topic 'temptation' and right that day i had encountered so many temptations. and it was bad because i gave in to them. the contents of my essay might have been right afterall. hah.

i hope the lit paper will be a breeze too =/. just finished reading 'you don't know me', for the second time. i really really shouldn't read such stories man. reminds me about a whole lot of discarded feelings. just have to get used to them i guess.

wanted to have a break after reading just now, so loaded the playstation and started to play. turned it off very soon after. and the reason was very solid. it wasn't fun to play. at all. it wasn't fun to play ALONE at all. sigh. i should stop sounding so depressed, emphasizing that i'm truly very alone. lol. but i really am feeling weird la. even my beloved, the computer, don't appeal to me anymore. and there's only something i want to do. and that's to sleep my life away. but apparently, i can't.

today wasn't ask slack as normal wednesdays cuz i had been chiong-ing my notes all day in school. didn't do much though. only finished my complete set of science notes. perhaps i'll just do some filing later. can't do much now. feeing very distracted. who wouldn't, when they have occasional coughing and going-to-be-sore throats? LOL. sian. can't sing properly. but then again, it was my fault to finish that packet of rice chips. but then again, again, i didn't have anything i felt like eating for dinner at home. soo... hehe. =P

and i'm quite fighting the thought of wanting to be absent from school tomorrow. =x. since i initially wanted to NOT go today. ahh. i need to find a way to study history! =(. i haven't had quite any interest in reading history man. had been thinking about something else for quite the whole day. =/. sigh.

EDIT.

stayed back after school in the library with theLOVIES<3 to help tutor liang. chiong-ing notes so crazily. so jialatt man, his english. sigh. hope it helps and lucks to him for the paper on friday too. we were so damned noisy la. we're quiet. LOL. it's because kelvintan and szehoe joined us that we're noisy =x. was quite productive [finished my science notes] and had LOADS of fun, even though it was in the diary. mommy so chiong la. he's like almost done with all the subjects and i feel that i'm soooo lagging behind. but i don't know what to do. because i can't do a thing now. feeling very very distracted. not my fault that my mind can't settle down. =P

found out that sec 2 adventure camp was combined with HPT training camp. happppyyyy =D. woots. would be gone for almost a week then. =)).

all i wanted was to hold you. and make it go away.

sigh. i hate eating alone. especially dinner. when everyone else sit, cozy at the dining table, waiting for one or more family member or companion to fill up the empty seats and then start eating, chatting, laughing, everything you can imagine. maybe that's why i eat so quickly, because i wasn't trained to talk, to laugh when i eat. and if i do i must be a psychotic because then, i'll be talking to thin air. lol. and that's why i'm always looking for people to have dinner with me. no matter how much i loathe the food outside, or how boring it gets. just to have someone to talk to, have a chance to be careful of my table manners, how i eat.

i can't really remember when was the last time my whole family ate together. probably new year? i can barely remember how it felt like. i can hardly remember when was the last time THEY talked. i could only remember all the tears shed and how the world was collapsing. but it's all alright now. had i learnt how not to care? or is time washing away the sourness bit by bit? i realized how much a torture it was to eat alone. err. i was sort of reminded when i ate just now. one person, one bowl of rice, one dish, PATHETIC. i don't know why it still bothered me, even after so long.

and it all links back. the day before, someone told me "maybe your dad brought your mom out or they went out together?". i replied "it wouldn't happen even if the sky falls." i didn't explain why. it feels bitter to think about it again. i believe that i've very much gave up on having any hope since the last 'episode'. why would i want to let myself dream and then wake up in cold sweat again? i would always say i don't care. but i care so much in the world for everything to be just like it had been again. and i've been told so many times, i've even read somewhere that the relationship between them is one thing and the one between me and each of them is another. but i've also been too stubborn to let it calm me.

i envy everyone else with a happy home. and i have a happy home, you know, like when i reach home, all the furniture will smile at me and my computer will call me 'darling' sort of thing? -.-". i despise those people who don't know how to treasure the time spent with their family. they don't realize that they are fortunate to even eat with their family, every SINGLE night. and they only wish that they would always be left alone. it's always the reversed isn't it?

because i used want them to care more, i want them to stay home with me. but now, i'm just so used to being in my own world that i just want them to stay away from me. i don't know if i care. because i don't want to lie to myself anymore.

i hate people who are insensative, immature and inconsiderate. what is their problem? why must they make use of what other people are willing to give to create pleasure in an UNSUAL and DISGUSTING way. please la. like how old are you already? even if you're still young, you should have sensativity and consideration. doing such things only reflect that either you're not well-brought up or just simply that you don't have a fr-aking brain to think for yourself. IRRITATING IMMATURE FREAKS.

sometimes things may not head where we wish and people may not do what we want them to. and the quite only way i've found to move on is to start being oblivious to my surroundings. which is actually quite bad, but still good and useful at times. err. and i admit that i'm starting to be quite oblivious to some things around me. if i hear something i don't want to, i'll just have to pretend that i didn't hear it. and if it hurts. there will only be pain inside of me. it's the only way to not let someone else control your emotions, not let them gain confidence that they're in control of you -- not show that you're weak.

had the choir farewell 06 yesterday. quite enjoyed myself even though was quite guilty that we didn't make a more presentable item for the seniors. i hoped that they really enjoyed themselves through the other elements. but if anyone apart from the graduating people are grumbling about the choir's 'unprepared-ness' or some sort, they only have themselves to blame. i'm glad that people still came on thursday even though it was totally a waste of time and so last minute. for people who haven't even crossed the thought of coming.. i've got nothing to say.

reached late. went to help dearie and sweetie to prepare the voting slips, and later, to barbeque and clear up. i think it's been so long since i stood and not rested for so many hours. but it was fun and i had a sense of accomplishment when we finished bbq-ing all the food except for the chicken wings. i did all the nuggets! =DD. only ate two nuggets and a marshmallow. see the food until no appetite =x. lol. and i'm glad to have spent time with precious, dearie and sweetie. lol. it was so funny when they all 'sajiao-ed' together to make me answer some questions. ended by taking group pictures. had fun, really.

went for training in the morning. planned the starting, rehearsed everything again. and went to try all the gym equipments! LOL. so funny. esp the one which is meant for strengthening abdominal muscles. left soon and coincidently met dearie and precious and found out that sweetie was somewhere in the building too, with ahermm. lol. went to have lunch at the food court after i met him. went to the library afterwhich. had a drink at coffeebean because i wanted to. sigh. this person. don't know how to take care of himself. =(. tired still want to watch dance. but in the end, he accompanied me at the staircase outside my door to study. didn't let me at first, but i have my ways =P. he is less distracting being beside me. i must be the most boring person he have ever went out with. and now, i must really be studying. =). tata.

thanks for understanding that i need time.

some things mean much more than the others.

it's not always what you're doing but who you are with. i have finally lived my simple wish of having a simple dinner, undisturbed and quiet, with the special someone. and it was even more than i had wish for because it's at the place i loved so much. and it had such a nice weather =DD. thankyou for accompanying me despite the 'boring-ness'. the world is too complicated. simple things are hard to get. nothing can be compared to the little things in life that makes you smile =).

naturally in quite a bad mood today. got back a math test that i flunk, err, tired like hell, i wonder why. luckily i was able to finish sawing my workpiece during the DnT periods. or not i think i may just explode =x. and i'm so damn sleepy now but i haven't finished revising for tomorrow's science test. bless me please. maybe i shall just fling another one before EOYs =P.

i feel each meeting strengthening that something that we have. i'm being quite frank with all that i can be. and i hope you can be too. even though i'll not 'hang' it at my mouth every second of the day, just want you to know that you mean a hell lot to me. afterall, the truth is felt by the heart and not by the figure of speech. thankyou for fulfilling my wish. thankyou for liking me back.

you are one of them <3.

omg. i think i flunk my practical test! the setter was INHUMANE! =(. i was so nervous that i didn't check if there was a name there. but i think, THINK, it is err. MS. C. i mean who else man. the paper s-ked like h-ll la. sigh nevermind. i don't want to talk about it anymore.

okae. so it's officially, suggested by tw that we are 'the LOVIES' err. even though like there are three of us girls and four guys -_-". but nevermind. they're quite gay anyway =x. i said nothing =). LOVIES <33s.

err. i feel super lethargic plus there's this 'on-&-off' pain in my vein on my right arm. don't know what's wrong man. hmm. but now i know what's wrong with me YESTERDAY. grins xD.

thanks for being so sweet. ((:

hmm. just about EIGHT hours more <33s. you mean so much to me.

yesterday was quite a blast. went for training which wasn't really necessary since we're doing quite the same thing. err. wasted some time there. i didn't do 'intensive power moves' training because i don't want to ache when i watch the recital later on. LOL. ran through the thing anyway. hmm. just can't help to NOT be creative for the moment =).

met him after that. hmm. went for lunch at MOS and then he taught me math. okae. i don't know why. but my math suddenly sucks. i think it's probably because i'm starting to get rusty on the chapters i learnt last semester. LOL. then went walking around. he seemed really tired. esp. with the guitar weighing him down. i wished i could help him, but i couldn't la. even if i could, he wouldn't have let me =/. finally saw mint ice cream =)). shared. j8 so big la. but still cannot find suitable wrapping paper. bleah. i think we walked round for at least 6 times la =x. don't know what to do. oh ya. went to the library. sooo lazy =x. okae nvm.

met my mommy and gang at MOS at about 6++. meet so early also dunno what to do, so slacked around in j8 again. lol. LOVE THEM TO BITS =). reached newton place, some arthouse early. slacked until we could go in. sigh. got the seats which couldn't get to see his fingers la! omg. my main intention other than hearing him play was to see his fingerssss!! so pissed. but in the end. i enjoyed the music. =)). piano recital is magical. see the pianist playing with the feelings there, perspiring and all. most importantly, feel his music! omg. i think i want to go to another piano recital. seriously, it can express things which neither words nor actions can show. after two hours of being inclined artistically, we went home by train.

i'm still wondering about the question i've pondered over for long. so is life fair? hmm. not very long ago, i pulled through quite a big incident. or rather two nasty incidents. i felt that life was fair at that time i think. i have a great sibling, people have warmer ties with their parents. how is that unfair? i have great friends, everything i need and almost all that i want. so how is that unfair? lol. but still. aiya. it's a complicated question to think about =x.

i was glad that you took it back. i'm still glad. =). i wouldn't have believed you even if you hadn't anyway. it shows that it is not easily taken by you and that it is worth the wait. i'll probably take another hundred years to say it. =x. but something i'm quite sure of is that i likeyou, truly, wholehearted-ly. <3

=((. so sad la. cannot go watch forbbiden city. sigh. nevermind. we will have a good time at the piano recital today ANYWAY, even though the tix are like 4 bucks more. OMG. i'm so sad la. the tix for forbbiden city was only like 5 bucks!! AHHHH! =x.

workshop @ TP ytd was quite boring actually. but still, i think i had learnt something. but anyway my end product didn't look like a PRODUCT. lol. maybe i like html more =x. LOL. hmm. had a great bus trip there and back. i wonder why the school bus or chartered bus suddenly feels so comfortable. lol. so tw and i sort of slept and listened to jielun's songs all the way. =)). i simply love her! <33s

and i thought my condition was bad enough. stel is more hua-chi than me!!! wahahahahaha. =x. at least i don't talk about 'that' every single minute of the day [as gotten from valerie's blog]. =x. err. i shouldn't say much. i hate it when the holy b-tch counterattack-s me. she always have some ways no matter what she's doing, to try and erhermm.. okae. nevermind. you're supposed to be my HONEY la. but you can go and think about your CCHY la. xD.

i'm waiting. longer than enough to click us back onto the friendship track. you haven't lost everything. just a little part of it. don't give everything else up just because you are unclear about the amount that you actually have or the amount that you actually lost. don't let go of everything else just because you let your emotions take over you for the moment. go on. true friends will be there waiting. ((:

mydarling.

i don't know what i'm worrying about. maybe i do know. but it's weird. i should quite be the luckiest girl around, shouldn't i? why do i get affected by other people so easily? why should i believe them? i should take faith and give trust, shouldn't i? perhaps it's just too early to say or judge anything. perhaps i am not yet used to it. or perhaps i just need more assurance than people usually need.

我们走到这就好 因为我不想太快走完这幸福

sure, you can say anything and everything to intimidate me. i'm not angry or anything. it's just, i don't understand why you have to make me feel insecured. i mean, maybe you're saying all those on impulse, i don't know and i don't blame you. but you didn't think that i was easily affected, did you? i'm not declaring war or what. you probably didn't know how i felt when you talked to me, assuming that you're the 'victim' whom i had hurt. afterall, you are my friend. and i do admire the way you handle the news. but what was that for?

went to the computer lab today, AGAIN. it's like we're gonna go there every single day this week. and because of her fear of embarrassment on the chapter, 'sexual reproduction', we had to even mark our own worksheets [since when did we not need to anyway? =x]. haha. okae. i'm suddenly out of ideas because i'm talking to my HONEY [stel] =D. so haha. need to cutshort. lol.

i meant it. missingyou. =)).

i didn't know how it happened. but it just happened. frankly speaking, i'm afraid of it, a little here and a little there. but. =/

he loves me. that's why he gave you to me.

first day in school was slack-y as usual. despite the lack of energy, i concentrated better than usual, miraculously. LOL. abit tiring that way. and. was quite high today. =x. choir was fun too. just that the new song, 'seasons of love' which was supposed to be a favourite became a boring song. maybe because of all the repeats. hahas.

i'm curious. about almost everything. but i don't know what's the right approach. i don't wish for the same mistake to happen again. i don't want you to be affected in anyway. but. i believe you. i really do. ((:

HPT was fun =DD. but tiring of course. was a little reluctant to be present at first. but it proved itself worthwhile! =x. LOL.

had an amazing race where my group, started from the AMK park. lol. had to carry mavis on a stretcher from there to pierce reservoir. TIRING. err. did a little bonding. but =/. still wasn't good enough.

good thing i didn't have to be with you. save the unpleasantness.

second station was at west coast, after we 'sneaking-ly' went for lunch first. LOL. and we saw the other group there too. hmm. so we weren't THAT 'sneaky' after all =x. what we did there was to search for puzzle pieces. bleah. the sun was so hot and we had to go around the sand looking for them. it was, i think, the most tiring part of my day. lol. hadn't got to finish piecing the puzzle and rushed to AJC by a lorry. =DD. so nice sitting at the back of a pick-up! err. with xitong screaming and waving to the drivers of motorcyclist passing by, thank god there were no accidents =x.

woot. time at AJC was short. but did the rockwall again, after so long. LOL. i didn't actually want to climb, but i did anyway. and hell, i was a teeny weeny bit freaked out =x. but praise me, i didn't SCREAM! =D. and i'm starting to love belaying. hmm. weird. LOL.

i think i'm sick. because i have crazy thoughts in my mind all day. =x.

i hope you're truly who i see. ((:

it's late. i leave everything behind and start to think. i'm confused, about myself, what i am actually thinking. and suddenly i feel my heart heavy again. but i guess it's natural to feel that way. afterall, what's life without trials and tribulations? moreover, i'm not much of an optimist, so all the more i should feel that way. err..

is it true that one should still continue believing and having faith despite being failed time and again? but wouldn't it be like continuously making the same mistake? oh man. i'm at lost on what to do. lol. this may probably just look like crap. 'cause no one's gonna understand what i'm saying except me =x.

talked to sissy. she suggested that since i'm still YOUNG, i should just do everything i want [err. provided that it won't kill or hurt -- others, i mean.] it's just, i don't know where to step next without killing or hurting anyone =x. LOL. i'll figure it soon, i hope.

yin wei wo zai xiang ni.

jia ni: ((:

xinyi: LOL. i'm happpppyyyyy now!! =DD. lol. ya think of you then will giggle!

shihui: err. did i say that? =x.

fel: err. dun rape me can le =x. LOL.

stel: lol HEHEHEH? haha. u copy terenceong i know you still LOVE him! xD =x.

sally: WANGSALIIII! please dun anyhow say. thankyou =).

jJ: you MEANIE la! so mean. always wanna trick me! bleah.

PRECIOUS: =DD. haha. why no one pei you? =(.

jiayin: will link when i'm less lazy =) =x.

hmm. i don't know how to start the post. not going to say much. can find out about what happened at the chalet in the choir ppl's blog if you want =)). not going to post pictures too because i'm totally lazy to do so =x. soo.. it's gonna be super-ly summarized. =D

quite enjoyed it and surprisingly stayed the whole way. didn't know if i bonded. but still. hahs. it was fun. hmm. barbeque wasn't exactly very fascinating. LOL. only got nuggets, hot dogs and chicken wings. but cannot blame la. haha. the chalet already so damn ex! lol. they watch a horror show. and expected, i was 'shielding' myself from watching it. eh.. not watching a show is also tiring lor. hahas. played games throughout the first night. and i guess it's the first time i'm not 'officially' sleeping for two days straight. =). i love especially the polar bear's game =DD. on the second night, had some 'financial' problems. =/. not to put the blame on anyone. but err. nvm.. hahas. most ppl slept on the second night. except for SOME. lol. but anyway. i really did enjoy the whole thing la. and i would regret if i hadn't stayed on the second night =).

lol. i'm going to talk about something else. please check, http://sentientslibrary.blogspot.com/. it's worth it =). i found many unexpected answers there. it helped me and i hope it would help others too.

as for now, i'm quite in love with a few of HSM songs. =).

"It's hard to believe
That I couldn't see

You were always there beside me
Thought I was alone
With no one to hold
But you were always right beside me

This feelings like no other
I want you to know

I've never had someone that knows me like you, do the way you do
I've never had somone as good for me as you, no one like you
so lonely before i finally found, what i've been looking for

So good to be seen
So good to be heard

Don't have to say a word
For so long I was lost
So good to be found
I'm loving having you around"

i'm saved for you, if fate permits ((: .