home's becoming a nightmare for me.

haven't been feeling any want to go home. got this weird feeling about home. that letter from my mom. omg. i think she's giving up and i'm like totally freaking out. i feel so helpless. i know i need to talk to her. but i don't know how to. totally helpless =/.

never felt this way before. even feel nervous because i'll be going to school with her tomorrow. omg. how am i going to live through it? don't know what to do. just talk to her or write her another letter? sigh. scared to talk to her man. =/ as i am so SUPERBLY emotional. i don't wanna cry again. makes me look tired and ugly. sigh. how? =(.

Things To Do:
one `brainstorm Ginevra choreography.
two `solve conflict.
three `all projects and stuffs.
four `make new blogskin.
five `suicide. xD

if only i can die and ressurect again. sigh.

and ck, i DON'T like her!!

don't be sad

'cause things are never quite as bad as you think they are

even when it feels like you're going to scream

so don't be sad...

just a little part i remembered from the musical my pri school played years ago.

feeling alone man. i think i can never share my everything with anyone. it's weird to. there's a problem with me. i always seem to think that they cannot comprehend how i feel and thus i feel that there's no use telling them?

i know. many many people out there are more misfortunate than me. but i just don't understand why i have to go through with this. true. i'm not in the quarrel. but that doesn't mean that i don't feel hurt or anything. and the worst thing is there's nothing i can do about it. i feel helpless. i think it's been too long since i feel this hurt. doesn't feel new. but feels tiring? and painful? sigh..

i think i'm going to mug out a piece of choreography today. and maybe learn some songs and do few pages in my 'vocab bk'. being busy is good.

girl and a GAY. =x.

 

stel and her mini comb with a retard face xD.

 

ARGH. my post. gone. stupid error. omg. my long long post! *cries!

nevermind. i shall be PATIENT and type it all again. sigh. so as i was saying. i had a tired day out...

went to J8 in the morning with my NEW friend. lol. whom spent TONS of time elaborating the fact that i am SHORT. i'm just shorter by 6cm OKAE? bleah! we got a GAYISH PURPLE nalgene together because my friend is such a GAY, right joshua? and then went long john's. i HATE to order there! they speak at the speed of a BULLET TRAIN! omg. so hard to catch for someone so SLOW like me and especially in ENGLISH. boohoohoobully. [omg. i'm catching the loneliness-stella-illness!]

yay! i'm in the CHORISTERS COTTAGE CAMP COM! omg. planning is so fun! i can't believe i'm in! to all choir members: DO GO TO THE CHOIR CAMP [because I AM in the comittee!] okae. did a little planning on the games today. sounds totally fun. i think i'm one of the slackiest member =x. LOL. today's practice was split into two parts, going through the same old FEW songs and the dancing part. SO TIRING. hees.

finally finally got to go home with my sissy today since my two years in PH and my sissy's two years in NYP. went out to eat.

GOOD LUCK TO BUBU - carina for her exams tmr =DD

i do not wish to say more. i am not steel. i have blood and feelings too. why can't everything just be fine? why can't you not be biased and one-sided? i don't think you can ever understand what i am feeling. you think you're suffering. but everyone's suffering with you.

i am SO going to use picasa to upload the photos. i cannot risk my whole post again. LOL.

i didn't want to cry. i swear.

i'mback.

so many things happened when we weren't around. i'm not really sure about what happened so not going to comment much on it. but there's something i think i need to say. never. never only view one-sided stories. i really don't know what's wrong with that friend of mine, but i really hope whatever it is, it gets over real soon. sigh.

learning points trip to teman negara:
` leadership is not as easy as i thought.
`not to take things for granted.
`have to make things happen.

many many things happened. like getting run into by a wild boar while sleeping in tents, leaving a super big bruise. and like going through a bats' cave -- a terrible experience. nightwalk in the jungle and jungle trekking. many many things i wouldn't have experience if i hadn't been to the camp. i was glad that i did went. even though it was full of complains. at least, i think i enjoyed it. 'campfire' was super HIGH. loved it. got to know more about many many friends and seniors.

credits to joshua for the 3-hour-massage-marathon for my wild boar bruise and don'tknowwhat leg lump. haha. --he told me to write this. lol.

credits also to kezia and janelle for massaging my bruise too! thanks =DD.

loads of things to work on. i hope i have the time. to further push my results and to do the things i've been wanting to do.

i'm not sure if i have what it takes.

you never gave me a chance.

i wonder what's really wrong with me. why can't i be CONSISTENT on what i say and what i want to do? why do i get shaken so easily?

went to army market with shimin, fatin and jason. saw him at the mrt station. shocked. surprised. trembled for the next few minutes. weird. stupid friendship. stupid quarrel. stupid pride. stupid feelings. stupid me.

you'd never stop to wait huh?

i wonder why i was so worked up and why i had such reaction. and yet again, it's so 'complicated' that i can't comprehend. why wouldn't i just give up? i think it's silly. to be still trying to hold on to some friendship that is not broken on MY side. i need advice. i need direction. i need guidiance.

i had not fallen for someone else.

ended the day packing for camp after cooking dinner at cousin's house and eating dessert with her. i almost started feeling homesick, when i'm not even near going there yet. i think i don't want to go. but of course, there's no backing out now. and i'm starting to feel bad about the whole hpt thing. am i even up to it? seriously, i don't know. i really don't know.

lp said he did tell him he met me. wx made me regretted not to go up to him to talk. which will probably make me look like an idiot. IF he just walks away. like i even care about that. so i really wonder. continue to act like i don't care? or what? but in the end, who would even know the trouble i go through?

IDON'TKNOWSOSTOPASKINGME

TODOSOMETHING.

went out with my beloved 7 and 5-year friends this morning. EARLY, to far east. ate gelare before eating ramenten. i think i'm killing myself because i've been having diarrhoea [not a very nice term]. oh well, that limliangpin was supposed to treat us to our dry ramens as he was late but in the end didn't. so we went 'shopping' around, we were accomapnying limliangpin. he said he wants to shop... but in the end nobody bought anything. went to a super cute coke lounge and watched chenwenxin and limliangpin play some xbox fighting game on some machine. we're supposed to only play if we bought a bottle of coke from the vending machine. IT COSTS A DAMN 2.50 BUCKS!! okae... but somehow they managed to play without being noticed. i tried but i guess i'm not good at this kind of games. hehe.

did i mention we planned to go to sentosa in the morn and zoo in the aftnn on my birthday? xD. after much decision-making, we chose to go my house and play monopoly from 'going to picnic at ECP' and 'going to my house to have steamboat'. so we got a few more pals. and some TRAITOR -- i'm kidding. went and called some people. but i don't mind actually, like as if he would come and like i care if he WOULD come. wx called juin li and i called lewis and that llp didn't call anyone! erm.. but we pranked some primary school friend =x.

llp: hello, may i speak to p**** please?
friend's father: W-H-A-A-
llp: oh, i'm sorry, wrong number.

god know what would have happened if we pranked again asking for p**** then giving the real name of the person. and bad thing, we're laughing like hell at the reaction of the person's dad. LOL. pranking is an addict! we pranked with stel's phone that time too. omg. xD.

okae... back to the topic. so we called them and they came down. so we played. lewis actually said that he thought i someone that he didn't really like when i called him earlier. =( is my sore throat really that bad? and then playing monopoly with them was so funny la. and i didn't realised monopoly was THAT fun till today.

[powerpuff version monopoly]

me: flower shopee $18, please.
lewis: wahh lau. why keep visiting your flower shop? my nose big got allergy!

that's because he was playing with the mayor's counter. oh well...

later...

lewis: sell to me la. [he's got the two of the 'red' property cards]
me: cannot! you nose big allergic, cannot buy flower shop! [which happens to be the third 'red' card]

see how funny it gets... LOL. and llp and jl keptrolling the same numbers and going the same spaces. they even shared the 'expensive dark blue' set of properties, one for each! LOL. and i feel pathetic, all the while i was having diarrhoea and slight flu and i was eating all the junk!

and to round all these up, i had a very lame morning with the two very good friends of mine, llp and wx. i luRve them. and close the day with a caring brother who told me not to drink too much water too quickly. so what am i supposed to do when i have sore throat too? haha.

THANKS LOTS, YOU GUYS! =DD

and limliangpin, forget it la. you can never be a kind and caring gentlemen and be normal at the same time. just admit it. ahahas.

and this is random. just kind of called stel to grumble over my sickness, and...

me: i need tons of care and concern!

stel: go find GREENTEAMAN.
me: you find for me lor.
stel: hey, i found a ------'s girl on friendster the other day, go and see leh, but cannot view her full profile.
me: LOL. then go and say 'euu humji arhhx,,, dunch darre tuu putt denchh dunch putt larhhx,,,'
stel: !@#$%^&*&^%$#@! [in twit language]

LOL. in regards to krix's blog. i guess we're kind of getting the hang of it. `teehees. oops! that wasn't really meant to be =x xD!

I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!! I MISS BRO!!

i was surfing the net when i chanced upon te friendster profiles of one of my 'god brothers'. JOEL! and OMG. so surprised that he actually listed me under his 'special mentions' and i'm tagged with the caption that said, "who else can i turn to for help & to help?". i thought it was really nice. LOL. so we chatted. one of the longest chat since we've moved on to the second phase of our lives. but thanks for ever being there =DD. i appreciate it.

went with jason -- my shopping mate, to buy MOMMY -- jiacai's belated birthday present. glad that he liked it. wahh. jason super gentleman la. LOL. met EUGENE [he'scutehe'scutehe'scutehe'scute] =X. then met yiyuan. hehe. quite fun. i think i've never seen a guy who tells someone that he wants to get something, at BUGIS. LOL. fine.

``
/X-Jump !/ gLa - Xcel. Xtreme. Xceptional.// iDON'TwannaLY. says:
eh.
/X-Jump !/ gLa - Xcel. Xtreme. Xceptional.// iDON'TwannaLY. says:
to think about it,
/X-Jump !/ gLa - Xcel. Xtreme. Xceptional.// iDON'TwannaLY. says:
u aready owe me my ought-to-get-two-years-ago birthday present.
·$0·$,0 - eXe2-Kx^LY- - says:
yeah...
·$0·$,0 - eXe2-Kx^LY- - says:
hahaz
·$0·$,0 - eXe2-Kx^LY- - says:
long time
·$0·$,0 - eXe2-Kx^LY- - says:
mehz
·$0·$,0 - eXe2-Kx^LY- - says:
if one of these days i coincidentally meet you them remind me
/X-Jump !/ gLa - Xcel. Xtreme. Xceptional.// iDON'TwannaLY. says:
so u mean u have one of those magic tricks that can just magically let the present appear when i see u?
/X-Jump !/ gLa - Xcel. Xtreme. Xceptional.// iDON'TwannaLY. says:
I WANNA SEE!!~~
·$0·$,0 - eXe2-Kx^LY- - says:
nahz
·$0·$,0 - eXe2-Kx^LY- - says:
teleport to my hands
·$0·$,0 - eXe2-Kx^LY- - says:
use technology lolz
/X-Jump !/ gLa - Xcel. Xtreme. Xceptional.// iDON'TwannaLY. says:
oh.
/X-Jump !/ gLa - Xcel. Xtreme. Xceptional.// iDON'TwannaLY. says:
then i want one of those teleporting devices too.
/X-Jump !/ gLa - Xcel. Xtreme. Xceptional.// iDON'TwannaLY. says:
LOL
``

aren't we crappy? but it was great to talk again. =DD. and yeah, ONEMONTHONEMONTHONEMONTH!!! -- my birthday. LOL. i feel egoistic... =X

some people just don't know when to stop. what's the use of spamming other people's tagboard when even when they do so it wouldn't help their relationship with the guys whom the "like"? as if like they tagged and then the guys will like them better. i think it'll happen otherwise. it's childish and immature to do that. especially when they never even read the posts properly and find out what's really happening. it's not as if only they can have close relationships with the guys. other people can have close friendships too. what's wrong with them? got backup? even their backup doesn't want to be involved in this 'stupid matter'. please. think about what you do, what you want to say BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY DO IT. [and please, she is so much sensible and prettier than you girls.] you are just lowering yourself and not getting any result.

sigh. this is mood-spoiling. went to town with stel, krix, shiewdee, yuhyan and valerie yesterday! WOOT!!~ exams are over!! sad thing is, i didn't buy anything to reward myself with as if i need any... oh well, the only one who bought anything was shiewdee. this impatient little boy stroll into each and every 'bag shop' never waits for us and the stroll out saying "let's go, don't have..." LOL. then we're all like following behind him, then haven't even look at the shop then have to go. LOL.

he's mad! totally. finally when we reached marina square and got into times, yuhyan was asked to go home by her mom and we all had to go off together... =/ unfruitful shopping trip. good thing that i'm going out later. i need a shoulder bag! and my mom will kill me if she knows i'm getting another bag...

oh, and i pon-ned school and i'm supposed to be gaming with 'mommy' now. but i wonder where he's gone to... =x xD

kill your hopes.

the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend. i'm sorry. i can be neither.

it's been awhile since i blogged. not many things happened i guess. i have thought over. and i know i can't be the perfect daughter, nor the perfect sister, or even the perfect friend. i may not even be qualified.

okae. i don't belong to pimply AND loneliness' family. these things just come to mind. even my sissy don't think of such things, so am i weird? i'd really hate to hurt anyone with my words. i wouldn't be intentional unless i was really irritated. but... sigh...

i wish...

don't come too close... i don't want to mistake it.

exams were... er.. great? okae... at least lit was alright i think. math was such a disaster. chinese too but i guess the rest was alright. promised shiewdee a meal for a pass in lit and ameal for 70 for kahliang. lol. i need money. and i need time. so many people's bithdays are coming.

okae... this is getting meaningless...