sigh. i hate eating alone. especially dinner. when everyone else sit, cozy at the dining table, waiting for one or more family member or companion to fill up the empty seats and then start eating, chatting, laughing, everything you can imagine. maybe that's why i eat so quickly, because i wasn't trained to talk, to laugh when i eat. and if i do i must be a psychotic because then, i'll be talking to thin air. lol. and that's why i'm always looking for people to have dinner with me. no matter how much i loathe the food outside, or how boring it gets. just to have someone to talk to, have a chance to be careful of my table manners, how i eat.

i can't really remember when was the last time my whole family ate together. probably new year? i can barely remember how it felt like. i can hardly remember when was the last time THEY talked. i could only remember all the tears shed and how the world was collapsing. but it's all alright now. had i learnt how not to care? or is time washing away the sourness bit by bit? i realized how much a torture it was to eat alone. err. i was sort of reminded when i ate just now. one person, one bowl of rice, one dish, PATHETIC. i don't know why it still bothered me, even after so long.

and it all links back. the day before, someone told me "maybe your dad brought your mom out or they went out together?". i replied "it wouldn't happen even if the sky falls." i didn't explain why. it feels bitter to think about it again. i believe that i've very much gave up on having any hope since the last 'episode'. why would i want to let myself dream and then wake up in cold sweat again? i would always say i don't care. but i care so much in the world for everything to be just like it had been again. and i've been told so many times, i've even read somewhere that the relationship between them is one thing and the one between me and each of them is another. but i've also been too stubborn to let it calm me.

i envy everyone else with a happy home. and i have a happy home, you know, like when i reach home, all the furniture will smile at me and my computer will call me 'darling' sort of thing? -.-". i despise those people who don't know how to treasure the time spent with their family. they don't realize that they are fortunate to even eat with their family, every SINGLE night. and they only wish that they would always be left alone. it's always the reversed isn't it?

because i used want them to care more, i want them to stay home with me. but now, i'm just so used to being in my own world that i just want them to stay away from me. i don't know if i care. because i don't want to lie to myself anymore.