"... Be glad that you are you, and learn to accept your life. Sometimes, we have to believe that Fate is at work, and we are not always responsible for everything in your life. You may be the Captain of Your Ship, but not the God of the Seas. So why bother struggling? Just fully accept the sadness, and if you need to cry, do it..." - aaron.

i had been reading many inspirational quotes, essays and poems yesterday like my friend suggested i should, before i sleep everyday, to relief myself. i don't know how or why but it worked. i feel so much better now.

though i may not be able to control what fate throws at me, i can try to change myself and adapt to it or just try to do what's within my limits to make it better. read something about life. it says 'there're two days in each week that you shouldn't worry about'. yesterday and tomorrow for we cannot alter the happenings of yesterday and tomorrow is beyond our immediate control for there are too many possibilities for it.

"It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad, it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring."

for worrywarts like me, this is the link! LOL. http://www.inspirationpeak.com/cgi-bin/stories.cgi?record=79 so. i'm gonna try and life each day to the fullest. TRY. lol.

anyone planning any outing please ask me along! LOL. i'm going to find things to spend my time well anyway. yes, LOVE MORE and FEAR LESS!! =DD.

you're too precious.. to be given up this way.. but if i become a burden, just let me go.

((:

Letting Go
Author Unknown

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

perhaps all will come to an end even before i expect them to.

hols are so boring. maybe because i don't know what meaningful stuff i can do.. i feel that i'm just spending my time on meaningless activities. okae.. i'm getting abit emo now. LOL. maybe because the night is so cold and i've been home alone quite the whole day. lol. can't help it. hope that tomorrow will be better (:

"我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有.."

how do i exactly feel? i don't know. lol.

last day 2006 in school.. twoENDURANCE..

more pics to come. lijia haven't sent me. sigh.. the year went by so quickly. got really depressed because we're being streamed once again, sad to be spliting with the fellow lovies. ahh!! just have to hope that our bonds are strong. can't believe i only have two years left in PH. oh man. i dont' want to graduate! lol. can i like just study forever? =(.

but anyway, i wish them all the best and congrats to those who've gotten into their desired streams. andAND.. i got into comb C -- threeGRACE! lol. got stuck with some of my friends while going to meet new but familiar faces. i hope the year will go well =D. going to MISSmissMIIIISSSS theLOVIES as well as a few other dears in the class.

end of year service quite long winded. but saw something which i quite shouldn't have seen. that tag. haas. i haven't been able to find it. brings back all the exciting memories i don't know if i remember clearly. i felt a tug. serious. i don't know why. but it doesn't matter because now i see it. i know how things have went. i'm contented that you're okae. and now that i've moved on. (:

saboh-ed szehoe today. wahahahas. ehh. i make opportunity to let him date lor. now i know so many secrets =x. LOL. okae. that was sidetracking. anyway the sec two adv camp cum hpt camp is postponed due to the haze. 'haze, although you haven't done anything good, THANKYOU!' lol. i wasn't actually looking very forward to the camp. not in the mood but still, the faster its over, the better. haas. and mr lim was so funny.. when we jeered, he said 'the haze will apologize to you.' LOL. lame lor.

i will still do my best even though you may never feel it.

bear on the other side! =DD.

it isn't you. but me.

had meeting with iceJ* again!!

pictures:

LOADS of LOVE! <33.

ohmyG-!! OMGGGGG!!!! lol.

in the computer lab since morning. quite a waste of time. but we're doing some website thingy, so still okae lurhh. so now i'm slacking because i got another fifty-five minutes to go in class and i got absolutely nothing to do than spread my boredness to the world =x. LOL.

played little fighter 2 with liang just nowww! ahahahas. i WON, TWICE! lol. so now, i got nothing to think i about, nothing to gossip about [daddy's beside me doing her blog stuff]. time to nap again..

missyoudarling <3 ! come back lurhhs! LOL.

YES, I LOVE !! you.

going to speak about yesterday. lol. didn't really type due to laziness.

we all tried to act dao to ed when he finally came because he was soooo late. [hello! i'm supposed to be the DUA PAI one! not YOU, bastardo! xD]. we quite failed to because i don't know why. lol. so we went to pepper lunch. woots. long queue. luckily, we got the seats fast. but while we're queuing, i was being critisized about bringing such a small bag, and guess what happened next? i told him that it's easier to hit ppl with a small bag and i started hitting him with mine. =x. OOPS. lol. i'm not violent la.. it's just that... you know.. haas. sooo paiseh la!

and we were so 'bu shi xiang' in the diner too la. ed's hotplate came first, so he said, '[chinese]eh! help me fry the tou-gay, quick! if not later not cooked!' LOL. so excited as we were, we all picked up the chopsticks and messed with his beansprouts. and we were actually laughing like nobody's business. so when we talk, as usual, i was the one asking for updates, lp, the one feeding lemonade to anyone he had a chance to and wx mostly his victim. LOL. and ed started to speak with china accent and then we accused him of having a china girlfriend. -_-".

so since ed was late, he was being forced into treating us ice cream. it WAS supposed to be haagen daz. but because i'm such a NICE person, i let him get us the roadside $1 ice cream. lol. actually xy and wx forbade him to cuz he refused to call me a NICE person. lol. but in the end we still got roadside ice cream anyway. and there's the embarrassing part. we bought the ice cream and wanted to take photo. so the vendor auntie offered to take the picture for us. we made so much noise and we waited so long for ed to keep his money and finally we took the pictures. bleah. edwardo [you and your ITALIANO girlfriend. LOL.], you're such a troublemaker =P. LOL.

so we went to heeren in search of lp's belt. LOL. in the end ended up at the benches outside the neoprint shop. and we got the clique name. shall not disclose how. but we got it anyway. LOL. so went to take prints. wonderful night spent! =DD.

211006 iceJ* <3

LOVVEEEESSSSSS!!!! ahhh. lol. iceJ*. -- you wouldn't want to know the meaning of it. hahas.

evil twins!

iceJ* !!

lol. pictures should speak louder than words! LOL. these, are the results of a verryyyyy meaningful night outtt!! =DD. <3333333s!!

i hate people to suspect me. don't try to cover up the fact that you did.

CONTENT censored****

got dragged to watch some sort of horror [SILK]. mann. cannot take it! i am NOT weak lor, lousy bear =x. haas. how am i going to sleep!? =/ lol. don't even dare to go home just now la =x. it was like millions of years since i watch horror and this time i watched the whole film![unlike the last time i cried even before the show OFFICIALLY started =x] LOL. yes, it's that bad. walked and walked around while waiting for the show to start. anyway, the film is quite stupid, apart from the disgusting-looking supernatural beings. lol. and there are actually funny parts but i just couldn't laugh because i was too frightened by the sight of the supernatural beings. LOL. despite the film, i still enjoyed the day a whole lot. thanks for the ben & jerry's, the film, the... err.. for everything (: <3s.

okae. feel so much better after dumping my frustrations here. haven't decided what to do yet. but i think even the most pleasant thing i can think of to do will be unpleasant =x. LOL.

and in the midst of all these, i'm glad to have you with me, psychologically.

nooooo. streaming! noooooo. sigh. i'll miss the LOVIES! last year, we had streaming. promised not to be seperated 'spiritually' from each other. but now, it's quite seperated. perhaps because we didn't make use of the time to bond properly. and i didn't know many of the classmates personally. but today, as i played 'yada' --some stupid game with some of the LOVIES, suddenly realized how much i have actually bonded with them, more in the second sem. they are so dear to me. even though there're misunderstandings here and there and disagreement, but they still mean a hell lot to me. and i'd get really upset being seperated with the funny ppl, mommy and liang too [at least i get to keep tw =x. lol.]. i feel so weird now. it feels so long since i've known them and so short for the time i've spent with them. LOVE MY DEARIES! =(.]

the pastor who spoke about sexuality actually made raymond stand up and tell him what's [btwn his legs] =x. and it was even worst when tw and i were sitting up front and he held the mic in my face and asked me the same question. ewww. i just gave him that look. and it had been very distruptive that he kept saying 'vulgar' terms which weren't exactly vulgar. felt pretty disgusted even though the talk may be of a good course. he's sure open about the topic but. please throw in a thought for the 'FAINT-HEARTED' like me! LOL.

went to swensens' @ northpoint with my sissy. had some sort of sister talk. lol. it's true that sometimes, people miscommunicate by not being about to receive 'gestures' form each other. everybody will always expect a certain outcome when they do something and not everybody will expect the same thing. miscommunication happens. and it has very drastic consequences. hmm. like for two people, one may try to send something across to the other in some gestures which may seem obvious for him or herself but appears to be invisible to the other party. it's kind of sad la. i don't like communication breakdowns =(. and i don't want it to happen to us.

it is true that time will make bland everything? i can think over and smile at past memories but what i wish for is to have the joy for every moment in your presence. i'd try my best to make you happy like how you said you would.

AUDREY SWEETIEE! i wanna talk to youuuu!

can't blog for the past few days. 'cause my IE sever kept going down until now. LOL. i think it'll go down again soon. lol.

arts' fest can be made a classic man! LOL. the backstage was like 'infested' with choir members. haas. it's like OUR SHOW! lol. anyway i thought that the 'choir-band' was quite well done, except for funny tunes and rhythm going a little weird at sometimes. =D. LOL. didn't really know why, had quite a bit of fun. and for our item, i feel like it's not so much of an attraction lol. had problems completing the sets of doubles, TIRED LA! and had a few unexpected mistakes here and there in the dd. anyway, i passed my push-up! i'm HAPPY, HAPPY and soooo happy. LOL.

lieww. they cheat our feelings man. they said they would let us confirm the overall results today. but in the end they only distributed the papers for us to take home. lucky i didn't go back to class after entertaining 'my guests'. haas. went to eat with the fellow choir ppl and got persuaded to slack in the music room. LOL. it was so funny la. lol. nicholas.. now we know YOUR LITTLE SECRET! lol. i didn't say anything did i? haas. so slacked more and waited for the end of the day announcement but it didn't come so just went off. =DD. nice day though superly restless the whole day.

EOY results
EL p2: 52.5/70
chinese p2: 65/100
math: 65/100 [saddening score =(.]
science: 79.5/100
history: 60/100
lit: 61/100
Dnt: 85.5/100 [wahhh!! i'm so proud of this. i think it's tyco man. =x.]

on the whole i guess i did average. wasn't really disappointed. lol. felt neutral. i've submitted my subj comb. choices. lol. hope it works for me =DD.

it was all i had wanted to do. (:

EDIT: if i hadn't cared, i wouldn't have even bothered to talk to you. and if you thinking that i'm acting, suit yourself because you're just denying the reality, the truth that i really treasured our friendship and you do mean something to me.

suddenly sorted out my thoughts. effect of thinking too much. lol. MAGNIFY the HAPPINESS!

yes, i believe you! i believe you!

wahh. feels great to think properly again.

time's waiting for us =).

i'll be okae if you are happy. LOVES.

he's just like a kid. so easily contented. just that and it will be a whole day of smiles for him.

why can't i be like him?

落力为你好 得不到分数 你决定要跟他日后同步
他不懂爱惜你 我乐意操劳
我决意爱他 祝我愉快吧 你最明白我痛极亦留下
伤得很重也不怕 我愿意等他

还看着你 他会感动吗 看你在悬崖走路
他却放下你 他已跑掉吗 只照顾自己 我惯了爱他你怎样做在悬崖还是我无退路

*对你好 无人稀罕我好 无人欣赏我好
原来你习惯他一套 从来没有爱我 看得清楚 我知道
不必得到 不妨陪衬 但愿为你好*
**他 从来都比你差 仍然死心爱
他垂头再度听他欺诈 祈求他说爱我**

为何尚未等到 可能 这秒时辰未到

是受罪也好 听听你哭诉 你说难过总比分手更好
我说几多的女主角 也受过煎熬

情况坏到 他也许做到 你信任来年一日
他答应做到 他也许做到 统统都做到
我也似你的无从劝告宁愿牺牲都不愿却步

repeat *
repeat **
而明知你爱我 我竟扮未知道 好人 恕我未能做到

你当我是知己 我看得到 我当你是一生前途
彼此也是沉迷盲目 控制不到 怎么好都等不到

怎去做 无人珍惜我 好无人喜欢我好
原来要学会他一套 从来没有 吻过 记得清楚 我知道
不必得到 不妨陪衬 但愿为你好
好 从来都知你好 未够好
为何他不够好 我不够好
回来我又与他拥抱
仍然相信我会 有好心得好报 可能 到某日会知道

new addiction. not exactly new. but lol. thought it would make a nice song on my blog =).

it does matter! it does matter a lot! please remember. i am only human too.

a very useless day at school today. went and just like went through 2 paper? and.. feeling kind of disappointed with myself about my math. not sure if i'm upset but i sure am disappointed. but my objective today is to MAGINFY my HAPPINESS. and TRY? to minimize or demolish all the negative thoughts. which will be pretty hard for me. people who think too much can't stop thinking negatively. LOL.

err. soo. i'm happy. (:

just let me let free all my emotions and i'll really be fine.

EDIT:

forgot to mention that i'm freaking bored at home with absolutely nothing that interests me and can entertain me enough. and it's even worse because i don't even feel like going out AT ALL. =DD.

i just wanted to tell you how much i like you.

cousins' night!! had fun, i think.

it's hard to imagine how it used to be like when we were young. it's good to laugh at the old memories. sometimes we tend to forget the truly good stuffs in our lives and mistakenly put in effort for those which are not. sometimes we live too much in our own lives to care about the thoughts and feelings of people surrounding us. sometimes we are too busy to even stop and remember what are the things we have to cherish, who are the people who mean most to us. sometimes we walk on and forget so fast, that the other people behind cannot catch up. sometimes we take things for granted thinking that we'll have them forever. sometimes humans are just so stubborn.

i love my cousins. they mean so much to me. they can do the world for me. yet, i can only give so little.

i believe i can just jump down the building and die or something. because my post is gone. hate to type again. but well..

ilu. happy first month.

went to the amore place or something. and soo unfortunately, today, the instructor was a extraactive trainer and he kept turning in circles and have fanciful steps, even for the begginers' class! so my sissy and i had a hard time trying to follow. and since she wasn't in the mood, i wasn't really too. and also, that it was hard to concentrate for me because something else is really on my mind and my contacts kept getting blurry for god knows why. oh and also, a lady suddenly came in and put her stepboard in front of mine. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SEE THE TRAINER!? i was quite pissed because i already wasn't in a good mood and was cursing at all the kanjiong ppl who can't wait to get on the trains and have to squeeze and ppl with no eyes who kept banging into me. but it was okae after awhile because even if i did see the trainer, i wouldn't have followed up anyway..

i think i like the gym. even though i think i tried to torture myself today. =x. i didn't la. just worked-out alot i think. [i want to be able to make it for my push-up jumps on saturday's training!] wasn't really paying any attention to how long i do one machine too. LOL. won't overwork i guess. =x.

went to vivocity in the morning. i guess the place's quite big. but not many shops were opened yet. i like the 'habour', just outside the shopping centre. anyway watched world trade centre at GVmax. i like the theater. more legspace for LONG-LEGGED ppl like me =x. and the price of the tix are normal. quite a nice movie. didn't cry much. but.. it really teaches a lesson. 'never take anything for granted'. it's like you never know when something will happen to you. so it's good to let the ppl you love know that you love them ocassionally? anyway it's really quite touching how they kept each other alive while being buried in the rubble and how ppl who don't know each other to help each other without an ulterior motive. i think it's hard to find in the world now.. does it even exist anymore?

if you and i don't give a damn about it, who will? it wasn't how i expected it to be. forget it. if i just let these thoughts cloud my head anymore, i might just go mad. unforgettable huh? pretty pathetic. and i think i've made the worst out of it. sometimes i wonder why i try so hard.

YOU KNOW WHAT!? :

f-ing quarrel all you want!

JUST STOP PUTTING US IN THE CROSSFIRE.

irritating bunch of immature adults.

it's such a wonder how quickly feelings can change. one moment this and a total 180-degrees turn on the next. what happened to the sweet talkings and all the hope and promises? sigh. the world is just too complicated that anything can happen at anytime and lies may seem true when it's being masked by sugared words. sorry, but i have to say this: some people are just so dense.

i need to MUGGG!!.

ONE: the haze is currently at PSI 126 [at 7 pm]
i'm coughing non-stop and feeling tooooooo UNCOMFORTABLE to study! =x. whether it's an excuse or not. and the thought that the haze isn't going to clear is killing me! =(. stupid spoiler. why can't the haze just clear!? and why must there be so many forest fires in indonesia!? [ref. http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/ view/234369/1/.html]. maybe i'll die from sufforcation. hmm. then i'll not need to mug anymore, and i'll not need to think about what to do for my art exam. but it's not a very good idea, because.. I DON'T WANT TO DIE yet!!!

TWO: yes, you.
not that i'm blaming you for your current health condition or anything =x. it's a one WHOLE week and a day since i've seen you. and it's sooooo distracting because i'm thinking about you[i don't know why] when i should REALLY be studying! you should get out of my mind. =x. ahh. another three more days of torture. provided if the haze don't get sooo bad that we'll have to have our exams postponed [nooo!]. and before my mind gets to the climax of being unstable, i should stop spouting nonsense. get well soon, darling! xD.

THREE: if this is even a reason at all, i'm in my playing mode ALREADY. =x.
i sooo need to study. but i just keep thinking about slacking. i'm in my playing mode but i don't have a particular thing i want to 'play'! it's like the short attention span is getting into me[killing me softly.. -_-"]! and i have quite a number of things undone. it's either i finish studying dnt this weekend or i finish my art prep. and i really need 354862048620-- hours a day. and i swear that i'll try to squeeze as much science in my head as i can after this post. i think in about two hours, i might not even see the MRT station form my house anymore!! =x. okae. i guess i have let out almost half of the madness in my mind. and the other half.. lol. see what else i can do about it =x. LOL.

i might just as well die before i need to go to school =x xD.

it wouldn't be all the same without you. (:

life would never be the same without friends.

history today was disastrous and i guess i can just die horridly. maybe i'll just take lit =x.

woots. i love MID-AUTUMN. without the haze of course. had gathering with pri school friends. wasn't very interactive but still enjoyed their company. we ended up playing ball at the hardcourt. wasn't really in the mood because something was on my mind. it has always bothered me but i guess i was running away from it too much that i had forgotten that it actually existed. the gathering turned out alright unexpectedly. with the last group of us hanging out at mac. i miss them so much, and i miss pri school life too.

i know that it is hardly possible for us to return to what we had been. i don't blame you. nor is there anything to blame about. looking back at the old times, squabbling, sharing secrets and all. i can't imagine how it would be like if you hadn't appeared yet i didn't know how we got so close. all i could remember was how it turned cold. you have been there for me at times, also letting me be there for you. i don't think i need to know the reason anymore. for i'm glad that at least we're on talking terms again. i do seek for more, but i guess i should be contented. afterall, no one can get everything their way. and truly, there's not another friend like you. it was just an incident that went wrong. but i don't regret, 'cause now i know how important you are to me, my bestfriend used-to-be.

but a lesson learnt through the pass few days, esp. today, is that many times, things will not go the way you want. but still, some things are better left as fantasies. nobody can get anything and everything they want. nobody can lead a perfect life without a flaw. neither can i.

your face.

i thought you would understand but you didn't. i thought i could be proud of you. but i don't know how. i thought you would let me live my life, make my choices, learn through experiences. but how wrong i was. you've upset me, wasted my tears and cracked my thoughts. what an unexpected reation you gave me, one which stunned me. startled me too much that i couldn't even speak. i didn't even know what more i could say.

shimin and stel came to my house again. but today, sm and i cannot study and miraculously, stel studied. but she's still at chapter NINE now anyway =/. and apparently i'm afraid that my mind will go blank tomorrow. because i think i'm starting to forget the facts. should i mug later? =x. anyway the stupid haze is getting on my nerves as well as my respirtory system =x. LOL. so irritating. and this is going to be just a short post. =)).

tata. <3

stel and my dinner. even simple things are great, as long as you're with the right person.

math and lit paper today and unexpectedly, i feel as if i had flunk my math and did well for my lit. maybe i lack practice =(. really leftout many questions which i did not know how to do. bless me please! LOL. shimin and stel both came to my house again today and as usual 'nuah' with my sofa =x. lol. and again, as usual, stel's stuff were scattered all around my floor until my mom came home. LOL. then she packed up her stuff. lol. luckily my mom wasn't horrified. we three gossipers found the new talk of the town. LOL. have yet to confirm if it's true but well... haha. enjoy spending time with the two siao char bo-s. LOVE THEM! =DD.

so i found out that everything is so typical. LOL. everyone seems the same. but stel, don't worry la. it's just a short-termed being 'away' from each other [quite typical =x]. it won't kill you. just look forward to the TWELVEth. lol. and have faith =).

iloveELEVEN-S! missyouso.

i'm so blessed, yet i took so long to realize.

they bring unexpected happiness which can't be felt elsewhere, yet i take them for granted.

other people may not even have anything like it, yet i don't realize how fortunate i am.

they give almost unconditionally, yet i can only take and take again.

i feel so disappointed in myself. it's not something everyone can have, yet i don't know if i treasure it. more so when i receive so much but i cannot do anything in return. and the worse thing is, i cannot decide whether i feel for them to the fullest. maybe i am just too selfish. i really don't know.

this is not it. ignore what they say. go on.