everyone has a remedy for their troubles, busy lives and sorts. i think i've found mine.

i guess i just feel contented when i do something musically involved? noticed it many times, but have never known how to blog about it. there's just something so magical and unexplainable about the way notes can harmonize and blend and sound so right together. what i'm saying probably don't make much sense to anyone else, 'cause i think you'll have to feel it and listen to it with your heart before you can see it.

it just felt so great just now, singing in a small group, trying to recall all the songs sang from sec one, when we just stepped into choir. can't explain how much it means and how it feels. but thanks: melody, kj & jonathan, you guys really made my day(:

perhaps that's what i really should go towards.

special weekend. (:

sang at miss kang's wedding! woots, there're actually people who said we sound nice! i'm glad that we didn't screw up also. haha. PHOTOS!

wedding choir girls!

choir girls!

me and yangkai.

wedding choir in the church.

me and dearie!

dearie, me,sweetie! <3

yep. first time i attended wedding in a church. was pretty cool i guess.

even though it hasn't been different, i realized i've always been faking that we have that much stuff to discuss, and now i found out.. actually i've been trying too hard to talk and sometimes i feel burdened that if i just stop we will just stop talking. you'll say it's not going to happen, and maybe it's not going to. but i think i don't know how to talk to you anymore. everything we say is about me, not you. i feel so self-centered, i feel that i don't know you as much as i want to think that i do. i'm thinking, maybe i shouldn't feel this way at all.

okae, i'm back from the blank.
yes, i've outlived my shortlived anger and survived.

feeling so much better today, thanks to xyee & my cousins yesterday, and kj & elias today (though i wonder what's with them trying to matchmake me with the ppl in my class -_-"). though still having many unfinished business everywhere, i guess i shouldn't torture myself in trying to make evey single thing right. afterall, what's right and what's wrong? lol.

and i very much realize that, one really have to watch what he or she says. even if it was out of good intentions, just some "speak-and-forget" stuffs and random comments. because you may not think about it or even remember it after saying it. but it doesn't mean that the person who had heard it will not remember it, take more meaning than you mean in it, will not be hurt by it. the thing is, no harm being more careful i guess.

my O's chinese oral's tomorrow. i hope i don't die, yet. err, i won't if they don't test about anything SUCH AS, national education. remember all those survey forms that we just filled to please our teachers with lies, or not.. yep, i don't have a single thing in my head about national education other than that. so i very much hope that, they don't come out with something like that. i'm grateful, really. LOL.

and i wonder why i go to school nowadays, there's like at least two teachers absent everyday. how can i not feel that i'm wasting my time there? and on top of that, i burnt my right index finger today and it continued to have the "flaming sensation" for like a few hours after la. but it's okae now. my finger says thanks to leslie for carrying my ever heavy chem and bio book for me when it was in pain. ^^

okae, i'm back here in blogger. after a great mess i've made in xanga, i guess, i still prefer blogger though it doesn't feel as classy =x. LOL.

and it must be a relief for people who wanted to tag on a decent tagboard because xanga uses the 'comments' function. but anyway, i don't blog nowadays because i'm not really in the mood la. but will try.

JUST MAKE MY SISSY COME HOME FIRST!

so that:
1) my mom would be distracted by the need to take care of two girls instead of one, will nag less at me.
2) i'll have another person to talk to (crap or not)
3) so that i can show-off the sims 2 seasons to her (not like she'll really be interested)
4) i'm damn lonely (though it doesn't mean that she'll fill my loneliness)

and finally got my desired phone and i think i've spent (and is going to spend) tons of money this year. and i'm now totally sleep deprived. will most probably update tmr. and xy nearly puked at me when i told her i'm a 'demure lady' today (because i braided my hair) -_-".

走过跟你走过的街难过感伤一些
有些事无法感谢我终于了解
是我把爱弄得太完美
多完美还是会枯萎
你最后那一句再见
才让我学会怎么放爱去飞
擦干了眼泪我不要安慰
日子会过去才对
都是黑咖啡
苦得让我今晚不能入睡
不想活在重播的情节
你知道我想着谁
虽然梦想难免被现实打碎
i'm on my way
我在美丽的世界
回头对你说good-bye
擦干了眼泪我不要安慰
日子会过去才对
都是黑咖啡
苦得让我今晚不能入睡
不想活在重播的情节
不再跟自己责备
换来伤悲天亮天黑
i'm on my way

random song that came to my mind as i end the post.(:

To fellow sopranos of the choir, i apologize that we were not really prepared and have conducted sectionals that was not very fruitful. below are the mp3s of the two songs, please do take time to listen and learn. if there's any problems or you really need to download the song and stuff like that mail me at rainbow612@hotmail.com and i'll get back to you as soon as i can.

Sorry kuekjing & wilson, i yelled. and valerie chen (for mistaking you an alto). SORRY!

p.s. sorry, unable to make it downloadable on the blog (http://xanga.com/d_estined).

i know i should be doing homework. but i couldn't resist this beautiful thing i've read.

The Nature of Love
Two close friends were sitting at the edge of a fountain. The good friend was trying to console her friend whose stead had just left her.

"I love him so much and yet he said that he could not take it anymore. What does he mean by that? How can he be so cruel to me?"

Hoping to make her understand the situation, the good friend turned around, filled the palm of her hand with some water from the fountain, held it before her and said, "You see the water in my palm? It symbolises Love."

She then went on to explain.

"As long as you keep your hand carefully open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, the moment you try to close your palm to hold on tightly to it, it will spill through the cracks in your hand. This is the greatest mistake that people do when they are in love. They become possessive; they become more demanding; they want to hold on to their loved one tightly. And just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will slip from you the moment you tighten your grip."

Love is meant to be free, we cannot change its nature.

---

Love is the shortest distance between hearts.

Love is a language spoken by everyone but understood only by a heart.

Love is blind only to the eyes. The heart sees everything clearly.

Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.

If you love someone, put their name in a circle not a heart. A heart can break but a circle goes on forever.

Love isn’t finding the perfect person. It’s seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

TAKEN FROM: Mr Lee (http://victor_lee.blogspot.com/)

so meaningful, aren't they?

yes, this is something a very self-centered person will do, but i can't help it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

lol. okae i know i didn't need to highlight and bold it, but ya.. don't know why i feel soooo LOVED this birthday. that's somehting pretty weird to say, but it's true, i guess. so this morning, i started my day unconstructive-ly, turning on the computer when i woke up. (PS: i got NINE smses when i woke up. i think that's why i feel loved. =x) and then online, juinli started telling me about doing constructive stuffs on the special day (which was quite like any other day, just that you'll get free gifts and surprise visits from your friends? lol. doesn't that sound a little auntie? =x). then she told me to play this very lame quiz (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/365143 do take a look at it if you're too free. LOL. but i think it's really pretty cute la. then had a surprise visit from the SP-PH gang. man, they brought me a homemade cake! it's really cool.

see what i meant by cool? COOL SHADES! LOL. and my name makes it cool too! =x

making a wish! made so many wishes today. haha.

they made me pose so long in this shot that i'm laughing instead of blowing the candle.

cutting the pretty cake!

crystal is so obssessed with my piano!

i think my smile looks weird. but the shades are real nice!

thanks: juinli, alicia, amanda, crystal & lewis. i REALLY love it (:

okae, that's sort of the first celeb session. see why i feel loved yet? went to meet xyee, after that. another very unconstructive thing to do because we went to the supermarket to buy food for pigging out at her house, which is our frequent hangout area. haha. bought loads of snacks. xinyee + edward = FOOD. that's why going out with them is unhealthy. haha. rented a movie. then went ot her house. as usual, we ended up gossiping and wasted the money on the disc. but anyway, they presented a my very first top from topshop and an oversized minnie to match the mickey ed gave me last christmas.

hanks: EVILsibs! LOVES!

and i can't really believe i forgot to take any picture at her house. i guess, it's jsut too much of a normal day for me =x. but i did take one, on the way home from class with ed.

we both look sleepy. or rather we both were sleepy. lol. and talking about class, i ate biscotti and drank hazelnut steamed milk @ the pacific coffee club while hogging onto their computer. i think many people are waiting to strangle me because i hogged it so long and the other computer was not working. thanks joel for entertaining me. LOL.

then, wenxin (my darling, actually) met me under my block and celebrated for me!

birthday brownie!

i was actually very sick of brownies since i have been making them alot. okae, but her brownie's really really nice!so ya, she had a tradition of making three wishes and telling out the first and the second then shutting up about the thrid one. i had a hard time deciding what to wish for because actually whenever i wish, i just close my eyes and pretend to wish (because nothing comes to my mind =x). lol. she joking-ly asked me to wish for good results for her. so i made a wish for her and the second wish for my own results (so that my mom wouldn't nag about me going for dance anymore) and the third wish, (is a secret) (: . and once again, i forgot to take a photo with her -_-"

thanks: wenxin (the brownie tastes good!)

random pic, of me and STRABERRYWANNABE on the way home from workshop.

yes, i had to put the pic, because i have to emphasize that my cousin's a strawberry wanna-be =P. actually i'm glad that i've cooled off from the episode since i've got home. thanks: sissy for talking to me. well, at least i didn't have to sing 'Zhu Wo Sheng Ri Kuai Le' this year. LOL.

thanks to the people who text me and others who make me feel pretty loved. sissy, mom, dad, yee, ed, wenxin, lp, joel, sherry, carina, xinyi, audrey, yangkai, chiagek, enna, asiah, alicia, juinli, crystal, amanda, lewis, stel, tianwei, valerie, huiqing, nicholas, loretta, cheryl, jacob, melissa, terence, huiyong, jiyeon, szehoe, shaun.. hope i didn't miss someone out. ^^ had a great day!

and i'm officially FIFTEEN years and FIFTEEN minutes old!

is it me, or...

i think i'm very dead. maybe not THAT dead but i barely touched my homework. that's bad. VERY bad. but anyway, had a great day out. dearie's so sweet!

first birthday gift from dearie!

damn touched. THANKS, i love it loads! i was so surprised that you have all those photos. heh. and i had a great day with you in chinatown too. in search of 'women's street'? haha. and all the headache questions i've given you.perhaps only time will tell ya? and you must make things happen if you really want them to happen la. not wait for fate! =P. yep, and gonna miss you in choir! hope to spend more time with you soon. LOVES!

so after the trip to chinatown, went round to tjpg to meet sherry! the imitation 'strawberry'/'strawberry-wanabe'! oi, srawberry shortcake is me la! take my name must pay copyright fees ^^. LOL. but i wonder what on earth made us closer nowadays. and ya, i've successfully persuaded her to attend workshop with me. fun right? haha. healthy too, i guess. (err. minus the dinner part =P.)

i realized. i gotta start to mug, because i'm seriously behind time?

i've always been less important anyway.

found photoframe my sis gave last birthday. wanted to fish for a family photo.
so unfortunately, i hit my soft spot. and just saw that so long ago, when we were all so little, things seemed better.
at least than now. got alittle emotional. perhaps because my sis is still in china and won't be back for another ONE1/2 months(and that i miss her) or maybe i just thought that i felt happier and i missed my family (at those times).

so many things happened and i wonder if some of them could be prevented. like how would it be like if home was still like home? and like my cousin didn't become this way and we're still as close as we were? don't know. and now life is just unfolding like in the tv shows. dramatic. painful. lonely? i know there're always some close friends there. but somehow it's hard to explain everything and i don't know why, explaining feels quite superficial to me.

am i making myself feel miserable by actually living in a life full of memories? or maybe i'm too pessimistic. wonder how it's going for him, hope he's okae. not sure, am i supposed to call and ask my grandma?

and seriously i want my sis to be back la. it feels weird without the 'mediator'. because now, every single thing i do seems to be wrong even if it is something i like, every single thought of mine seems evil and every word i say seems to be a lie. and i'm so indecisive that i have to ask for opinions even when i want to repaint my room, alright?

damn. why do i even care?

i believe it's gonna be one-sided again.
i'd rather not start.

i'm so pissed. i typed a long post two days ago. and my connection suddenly got cut so, my post is gone. TSK. but being guilty of not blogging for so long, i decided that i should get it up again.

dearie told me that maybe if i stop questioning, i'd feel less confused. i guess she's right. because only if i stop seeking, i'll expect fewer answers and perhaps then they may all be answered. okae, before talking about taman i shall just put up some overdue pictures =):

me & carina @ YATCH CLUB(:

me, jeanne, sally waiting to watch "off center" @ the esplanade.

ed & me, after dance. so nice of him to wait for me!

me & chiagek! MYLOVE! lol.

jeanne & me (on the way back form army market)

evilsibs @ AMK hub.

artistic shot outside TOASTBOX!

otah toast & milo dinosaur! *DROOLS**

the taman camp was actually fun. and i think it's the slackest camp i've been to. even slacker than the choir camp. tsk. so much rest time in between the activities and the lodging is damn good lurh. i'm glad i went, though, i was very afraid to remind myself of the past. well, i got through it. and i'm quite proud of myself. (:

FIRSTDAY: took the long long bus trip again. stopped at many stops which were quite exactly the places we've rested at last year. kept listening to "I'll Remember You" but No Secrets, a song from last year's choir graduation. it made me feel a little sad. because though the lyrics were true and meaningful, it doesn't seem to mean anything to me anymore. haha. so.. arrived there in the evening, settled down in the cave that we're supposed to stay. man, was so cool lurh. better than i've ever thought. glad that even on the first day, i've got to know more about a few of my friends. i survived mosquitos with many of leslie's mosquito patches! THANKS(:

SECONDDAY: finally abseiled. i remember that i actually wanted to during UBIN camp but lightning came before i was able to. and i was made to climb all the way down the steep stairs again. haha. i didn't want to try this time at first as it was optional but i did anyway, and i didn't regret it. it was hard to get to the abseil site though. and all the way up i was cursing and regretting to have even had any thought of trying. elias went first then i followed. nearly scraped myself at the cliff. but i was too careful (:. went for caving after lunch. i'm so happy that i didn't get any leech bites ^^. lucky me! got help on the way, here and there and saw many beautiful sights in the caves. and you wouldn't imagine the silly thoughts i had. lol. i can't even believe them myself. but not to worry, i guess whatever they are, it was just one of those "at-that-moment" kind of stuffs. arrived at the resort that night and went for "knot-tying-lessons" for rafting the next day and ended up playing the childhood string game and found out that zongqin was damn pro la. bathed in a duper unique way that day la. haha. slept like it was home. the bunk was too luxurious, for a camp =P.

THIRDDAY: did rafting. was dying to do this again since UBIN camp, but somehow it didn't seem as fun as it was. expected that all the NP and NC people are tying the thing as we didn't learn a single thing the night before. our foundation was damn strong lurh. but the barrels floated away in the water. so ya. my sandals broke! i lent xuanliang as he was going into the water. then when he returned it to me, the strap already came off. :( lucky i never brought my darling havaianas. haha. went to do flying fox after that. wasn't as scary as i thought and kinda cool. learnt weaving that night. didn't bring the product back though. had a good night's sleep again.

FOURTHDAY: trekked up kuala tahan. and really BUAY tahan. i think i've never sweared as much in a few hours in my life as i did while trekking. couldn't wait to finish it lurh. it's more like my mom's kind of activity than mine. went for the canopy walk like last year so nothing really new. other than the bees around those area which were kind of 'new'? lol. but i didn't got stung.(: thought much about the previous time i went and seriously had the urge to take a look at the campsite, was so damn close to it. but i didn't. not sure why. finally came out of the jungle place and to the motorboats after hours. lunch was super cool, with four heart-shaped nuggets and a super oily drumstick -_-". went off to rapid-shooting after lunch. was fun and i guess unlike previously. kept splashing the back. and leslie actually wanted to change places with zhikai to get back at me. but in the end i was still pro-er in splashing! ^^ finally reached the trainstation @ 12++ in the night (my supposedly most awaited 'activity' ) damn tired, and actually slept sitting at the platform. train came @ 2++ and finally left malaysia for home

FIFTHDAY: reached woodlands custom. enjoyed camp, thanks to the people who were there. relations with some people improved while some stayed put. couldn't care less. wiped off all those silly and unfruitful thoughts. time to join the urbanized civilization again.

-HOME SWEET HOME-

went out with ed two day ago, fished a present for his friend. at the korean cold noodles at wisma again. sourness! i like(: he spent about a hundred bucks on two wallets in less than two hours. broke lurh. then we had a little gossip session @ mccafe. happy that i wasn't even affected when we talked about the past. so weird that we weren't even close during pri school days right? but then people do change. trained home early since i had piano lessons. so nice of him to travel to yishun station with me. then went separate ways there. thanks for the great outing! LOVES! <3

although the man had left, the song still stays. right there in my heart.

midyears. are quite some disasters.
admit that i've been slacking, ALOT.
and already in the play mood. so unlike me ya?
hahas. have quite a few things in my mind for quite a few days.
but just don't know how to put it across, or perhaps don't know if i should.
yep, and quite a few things i still dare not do after so long.
can't wait for midyear to end so as to make me guilt-free of slacking.
the first few papers were actually easy or rather i was luck.
the mathematics paper 2 today was a killer. but it wouldn't bother me till i get it back la. xD.
spent alot for the past few days?

had been wondering why some friendships last yet some die fast.
but it doesn't matter. `cause i know who the friends that i should keep, who are the ones i should respect.
and who i should never bother about.

perhaps i'm just unsure of how to face you.
but i'm sure that friend word never went across your mind ever again.
(:

he came into the world like us,
seeking for acceptance.
yet, he was never given a chance to prove himself over his face.
the ruined, terribly distorted face.
caged like a beast, he was none,
yet still, whipped, tortured, being mocked at, he was treated like one.
he had a name; the devil's child.
yet he haboured no evil intentions but only yearned for warmth.
and the evil only came from the people.
he was a genius, a great musician that many awed.
yet no one offered love, no one saw beyond his face.
he killed only because of his simple desire that none were willing to offer.
he murdered only because the society forced him to.

okae. i feel quite.. err. hard to explain.
but, obviously, i'm really disappointed about the SYF results.
maybe we didn't really deserved what we had wanted, after much thought.
even so, through this journey, i've got to know many people who share the same passion as me.
and trufuly, i really feel belonged to choir and i do feel alot happier with the people in there.
i guess, maybe the results really ain't that important.
important thing is, we've not let the teachers, ms yee or ourselves down and we shall continue to build ourselves till the day we really reach our goal (:

I <3 UVPHS(:

aiyo. twenty-four hours in a day is not enough! i'm trying hard to get into the mood of working already!
but still, to no avail. don't know if i'm too affected by some stuffs or that i'm just too lazy (maybe the latter is always right). if this continues i think i'll be like, in deadmeat soon and REAL soon.
but some good news, i actually found that writing, does help relief some stress err and make me forget about whatever (the hell) world i'm in. isn't really much a surprise la. since i've always loved writing. lol.

many things coming up:
1. The Phantom of the Opera
2. oneE gathering @ juinli's house
3. Jamie & Patsy's birthday celeb
4. X-Jump! training.
5. Performance (i forgotten where)
6. TONS OF HOMEWORK.
7. Mid-Year exams

so who wouldn't want more than 24 hours a day?

went out the whole day yesterday.
went for mahjong session at alicia's house before going to meet choir people.
ate @ subway AMK hub with xinyi, drey, pamela, cherlyn, melody and szehoe.
had some conflicts during choir, perhaps shows that i'm quite hot-headed.
but nothing much happened anyway.
went out again with pam, xinyi, cherlyn and szehoe.
supposed to have many more ppl coming along, but ya..

so cool right! it's actually puzzles! SOOO CUTE!

edited by drey(:

rushed home after that then went out to meet ed and xy.
finally dined in kopitiam after it was renovated.
their meesiam is nice ^^.
didn't know what to do after dinner so xy suggested we rent a movie and slack.
okae. did i mention before that i HATE to watch horror shows?
which was the exact opposite of ed.
he didn't really approved the kind of meaningful shows i like to watch too.
and very unfortunately, i didn't know what happened, i got really pissed off.
which wasn't really like me, at least not when i'm with them (or at least not anymore).
sorry sibs =/. think really scared the both of you.
so.. we quickly decided on 'she's the man', though i've already watched it, well, part of it, and to prevent any conflicts happening.
watched the show on her lappy in her room. snuggled together on her bed. LOL.
the lights were off for better effects la. LOL. really did seem like watching a real movie.
okae. stuffed ourselves with junkfood (as expected).
was glad to meet with them.
at least they were people i could be around and really connect to? hahas.

every single thing that happens reminds me of you. but i no longer think or feel. because i know, i had a choice. but i had chose to make the mistake. perhaps because it was you we were talking about.

slacked at xinyee's house. I did study okae? and did alittle of her homework for her . went to Raffles City Mall to get donuts @ Donut Factory. I think it's the dumbest thing i've ever done. queue so long for some donuts -_-". but they do taste nice when they're hot lurh. LOL. bought cookies @ mrs field's too. with the voucher sia gave. bought so much for only 90cents. LOL. gave 6 donuts each to buu and grandma on the father side. and in return, i got to find out what happiness is, and of course, i'll work to be happy (: so some photos today, and some overly expired pictures:

TODAY'S

DONUT FACTORY!

drooling yet?

EXPIRED

judging @ suntec convention hall

guess who's between carina and me!

me, pamela, laura @ K!