i'm starting to doubt myself.

past few days went by very quickly. went to my grandparents' on sunday. kind of sad t0 think about how much i've neglected them. and it's not out of business but laziness. it's like.. i-know-what-i-want-but-i-can't-make-myself-do-it kind of thing. and then my grandpa was lying on bed the whole way. kind of make me remember how he used to play with me so many years ago. how much things had changed.. 'hung out' with my niece. hahs. to think she used to ignore me. but now she's grown up a little more, two or three years old? she's soooo cute(: and intelligent too. [pictures coming soon! lol.] and.. i know it's time soon for me to visit my father's side..

even all so, the word 'family' still confuses me. i heard about all the things in the family and wonder a lot about the 'sub-families' as in the families of each child of my grandparents. why is it that some can stay so close together, also together with the grandparents while some others seem so far away? sigh..

i don't know what's wrong with me. it's like i feel the rush and the heat to do everything one moment and when it starts to cool and i'm calm again, i feel different. i start to think a lot again and i feel empty like i don't know why i'm on earth for or if i even feel anything at all. as quick that i had said i wanted to live everyday to the fullest, i've stopped, i meant pondering so much about it. and i'm starting to slug on my steps again.. don't know why it's like that and the motivation and the power to strive is all gone. perhaps i'll just waste away my holiday again.. like every other year. hah..

and the way i feel. about you.